Have you ever noticed that the best deals always go to the new customers? Loyal customers get a Christmas card every year, but no deals. So, to continue getting the good deals on TV, internet and telephone, my husband has made a solemn vow to never be a “loyal” customer. (I wasn’t there when this went down.)

In keeping with his quest to always be a “new” customer, we have switched from satellite to cable to wireless, with a brief stop in Never-Never Land and back again, about every six months or so. I have just learned that we are, once again, changing our status from “almost loyal” to “new customer” this week.

My husband hung up the phone and announced, “Laura, the cable guy will be coming on Friday morning, can you be here for that?”

“The cable guy? Is it Darrell? He was such a nice young man.”

My husband’s eyebrows went up and his jaw went slack. “You remember the guy’s name?”

“Oh, yes. We’ve built up quite a good working relationship over the last three switches. And Darrell was kind of cute.”

“You remember everything, don’t you? Like an elephant.”

“You mean fat and grey with a big nose?”

“Of course not, honey. You don’t have a big nose.”

“I’ll be offended later. They’ll probably send someone like you or Larry The Cable Guy, anyway.”

“You mean short, fat, and bald, with a plumber’s butt?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, honey. You’re not short.”

When your wife is on a first-name basis with the cable guy, you know you have a “switch” addiction. But my husband hates it when anyone is getting a better deal than he is. It feels too much like someone is tricking him into paying more.

Apparently, many companies have come to the conclusion that it costs more money to keep loyal customers than it does to recruit new ones. That is why the customer service phone banks are based in a foreign country where they don’t speak English. So, it’s every man for himself, and the person stuck at home to await the arrival of the cable guy gets to reap the benefits of trying to ignore a massive plumber’s butt for a full afternoon.

It’s rare to find a cable guy who is easy on the eyes. A ratty old baseball cap, two-day stubble, muddy shoes and bad breath are job requirements, I think. They never look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

So every six months or so, I allow someone who looks like a mug shot and smells like old coffee grounds to come into my home, mess with the wiring, and drill holes in my floors. Does this sound intelligent?

Then to complete this inane transaction, I give the same guy a check with my name, address, telephone number, and license number. Or, I give him my credit card information for the privilege of having him here. Why don’t I just give him my bra size and the key to my safe deposit box as well?

My husband feels that his wife and children are safe from the cable guy, because the cable company wouldn’t hire him if he weren’t a stand-up guy.

Maybe. But people who are not delusional know that every serial killer in history had a job! Now that I think about it, there are just as many cute guys in prison as not. Darrell could be mentally unhinged too.

From this introspection, I conclude that there are some benefits to being a loyal customer.



You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her books.